Not happy.

Lately, I feel like somewhat of a jackass. And you know, maybe I am. But at the moment I really don't give a flying fig about what anyone really says anymore.
This is my excuse to vent, and if you come here for the (much needed) updates up top, then go on your merry way and ignore everything past this point.


As a friend, there is only so much whining, bitching, and general "my middle-class suburban life sucks" that I am obligated to put up with. And I think I'm reaching my limit.
I mean, your love life (or lack of) might suck, but honestly, how ever much you want to cry about not seeing him last sunday or how he just doesn't UNDERSTAND you, or how your opinions on capital punishment don't match, I HONESTLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT RIGHT NOW. REALLY.

ALL YOU ARE DOING IS RUBBING SALT AND VINEGAR AND FREAKING PEROXIDE SOLUTION INTO MY WOUND.


At least the object of your affections will still be here in a year. In two years. For prom, for grad. For every birthday until you become legal.
At least you're not faced with the choice of either forgetting about someone who has impacted your life to the extent that you can not imagine life without them,
or waiting for a third of your existance thus far for something that might never even happen.


Yeah I'm pissed.
Yeah I'm sad to the point that I honestly can't bring myself to enjoy anything anymore.


Amazingly enough, I have more of a social life than I've had in years, and I'm outside far more often. But inevitably I'll end up back in my room, thinking. And right now, thinking is absolutely the worst thing for me to be doing.


I get mixed advice from my friends.


I have no idea if I'll follow through with anything.

Right now, I know that nothing I say will make him stay. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. All I can ask for is that whatever I choose to do, my friends manage to accept somehow.
If I feel like spending a huge chunk of my life hoping on something that will never happen and choking on regret for all the things I didn't say, then so be it.


It's my choice.


And I hope with all my soul that I make the right one.


Peace,

~Lenny